Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Fantasy Romo Dating; See my first round pick

By way of my comeback tour, I've decided to honor Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo with my personal opinion on their relationship and what the future holds for the Dallas Cowboys. More specifically, what girl Tony should date next, as in what girl could help him be a better quarterback.
I want to start by saying I will not get into Simpson's affect on Romo's playing, or if she had any affect on the Cowboys as a team. Besides, I think Romo turns the ball over so much that it's too hard to blame any one person (I know what I said). Basically, I'm not going to blame Jessica for anything.
As far as Romo's relationships, I have to wonder if Romo is the problem. I mean, if a scratch golfer like Tony can't get along with Terrell Owens, how is he going to keep a relationship with Simpson or Carrie Underwood for that matter?
What does Romo's golfing abilities have to do with his relationships with Owens, Simpson and Underwood? I will answer that question with another question. In Everybody Loves Raymond, golf always gets in the way of Ray and his family.
Yes, I think golf caused Romo and TO to breakup. I think it ultimately was his downfall with Jessica as well. Tony was out playing a round with Tiger Woods only a week before the breakup. Coincidentally enough, he ended their relationship the day before her 29th birthday.
And Tiger Woods has birthdays. So does Owens.
But this is only relevant because the British Open started Thursday and Phil Mickelson, who also has a birthday, will not be playing because his wife has cancer.
And cancer is and has been the new steroids. Why? Because athletes who test positive for cancer get sympathy instead of hate mail and suspensions. Then they get to take steroids legally. When they come back, they are even better than before.
For example, Boston's Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter after returning from cancer leave.
But I'll see that example and raise myself Lance Armstrong, another cancer survivor, who is currently going for his eighth Tour De France (belt?).
But cancer is really only relevant because LiveStrong is from Texas, the same state Simpson is from. More directly, Armstrong is from Austin, which is where the Longhorns reside. And all sports fans know the Longhorns' rivals are the Oklahoma Sooners and Oklahoma is where Carrie Underwood is from.
Underwood and Simpson are also rivals. They both have birthdays and both are music stars. Statistically speaking (I make my stats up), one of them will likely end up with cancer. And they are both blondes.
It's easy to think Simpson has the upper hand in this rivalry because she did not need American Idol to become popular. She got there before American Idol even started. Then she stole Romo from Underwood. But Underwood is younger, more attractive (seems she could hold a conversation), has more talent, and HAS NOT COST the Cowboys a Super Bowl, and that makes Simpson a loser.
The Super Bowl is really my main focus in all of this because I want one. I want a Fantasy Football Super Bowl and for the Cowboys to win another Super Bowl. I want this to happen in my lifetime.
I think the only way I am going to achieve either one of those goals is for Romo to find him a good, strong-willed woman who will understand that a guy just needs an occasional round of golf with Tiger Woods. I know I do. My game is awful, and I'm sure Nike is working on a 4-iron that will legalize steroids, which will end cancer (what?).
Just Do It!
Anyway, I have made my fantasy football list of women Romo should consider dating, a list that should get Dallas its sixth championship.
Leading off, I have Nancy Pelosi. She's tough, mean and ugly. She's everything that Simpson is not.
In the other corner, there is Bristol Palin. She's a candidate because I decided to stick with politics and politicians know what it means to be candid (it has something to do with television).
I also liked Bristol because she is more attractive than Pelosi and because she is a mother. She should know how to be stern with Romo when he soils the Cowboys' proverbial diaper.
My last political candidate was Jon McCain's daughter, but I decided not to wikipedia her name so we will move on. And I only considered her because of her father's military background.
Next up: Brooke Hogan. She's the daughter of Hulk Hogan, who made a quick cameo in the third Rocky film, which ended with the theme song: "Eye of the Tiger." We need Romo to have the eye of a tiger. Actually, we need him to have the eye of Joe Montana, but I guess a tiger is better than nothing. Plus, it would be weird to ask Montana to give Romo his eyes. I'm not even sure you can clone someone's eyes or surgically swap eyes from donor to recipient and from recipient back to donor.
Maybe Romo should donate his eyes to science and just use the force from now on.
Anyway, I also quickly considered Ashley Simpson because it would be a simple transition for Romo, the Cowboys and me. But I just remembered the college football national championship a few years back when Ashley butchered the halftime show. I think it was the year USC waxed Oklahoma, which brings us back to Carrie Underwood and American Idol.
America and football have two things in common. American football (AFC) and the Statue of Liberty, which is a statue of a woman, which is what we are searching for today. Unfortunately, that woman also has a statue of herself in France.
Ironically, Kate Gosselin is a French name! I had her picked out before I even started writing this but before I knew she knew and or had knowledge of the Statue of Liberty play (I don't really know what happens in that play either).
Is this Romo's fate? Does fate and Kate rhyme? Clearly it does but this is not a match. I have not researched Gosselin's Zodiac sign. I don't even know Tony's but I know Peyton Manning has lots of them. Either way, Gosselin has six kids and an entire camera crew to feed.
She was really just a bad idea.
Sadly, I am out of candidates who make sense. I thought about Lisa or Maggie Simpson (distant cousins of Jessica?) but neither have good hair.
I also considered Deborah Mays, LaToya Jackson, Hermione Granger, Aneta Florczyk, Demi Moore, Sporty Spice, the Pink Power Ranger, Alicia Beth Moore, Liv Tyler, and Katelyn Faber, but none of this felt right. And how could Romo manage 10 girl friends at once?
So now I really don't know what to do aside from retracing my steps. I need to make a list because lists are good.
My list: Dallas, Cowboys, Romo, Simpson, The Simpsons, Family Guy, FOX, Joe Buck, Joe Dimaggio, Mrs. Robinson, Simon and Garfunkle, Simon Says, Simon Fuller, Carrie Underwood, American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, Fort Worth, Texas, Austin, Armstrong, 4-iron...
And there it is...
Jessica Simpson minus Carrie Underwood equals Kelly Clarkson. Clarkson is from Fort Worth. That's right next to Dallas. She sang at Dallas' Thanksgiving Day game against the New York Jets in 2007, a game the Cowboys won 34-3. Obviously, she has a positive affect on the team.
She's a popular singer, and the most successful out of Underwood, Simpson and herself.
I don't know what she would look like with blonde hair but she has a direct connection to cancer. Or maybe cancer now has an indirect connection with Loe Gehrig's Disease (Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mrs. Robinson, Simon Fuller... remember?). Gehrig even considered himself the "luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
Maybe Clarkson could make Romo the luckiest man under Earth's face.
Plus, Clarkson sings a song called "A Moment Like This," which is surely about winning a Super Bowl.
Clearly, Romo and Clarkson are meant for each other. They are like peanut butter and I can't believe it's not butter. They are like Phil Jackson and Dennis Rodman.
They are like your big toe, the one next to it, and a pair of flip flops.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Barry, Hank, Babe, me. But not necessarily in that order

Programming advisory:
I am on vacation and will not blog again until June 24th or 25th. Because of that sad news, I will leave you all with something I wrote a day or two after Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron's home run record on Aug. 7, 2007.

I'm famous and going to the Hall of Fame:
I had no idea that Barry Bonds’ 755th home run was going to make me famous, but that is now the case. It might be hard for the simple minded to understand the connection between the pitcher, the ball, Bonds, Hank Aaron and myself, but the connection is there.
Clay Hensley from the San Diego Padres gave up No. 755 to Bonds in PETCO Park on Saturday. That homer tied Bonds with Aaron and will forever be remembered, thanks to me. More than likely, the ball, the moment and myself will find a way into Cooperstown. Perhaps I won’t be a first or second-ballot selection into the Hall of Fame, but I know my time will come.
The story that has led me to this sudden life of fame all started in 2002. I was at Lamar University where I recently graduated (yes it took me six years).
During Lamar’s 2002 baseball season, my freshman year, I tried walking on to the team because I wasn’t quite ready to hang up the dream. Unfortunately, I did not make the squad because I slightly tore my groin.
Some might believe there was also an issue of talent, but it’s me who is laughing now.
Before my injury and when I was younger, I toed the rubber at Vincent-Beck Stadium (Lamar Cardinals Baseball Stadium) where Hensley also pitched and played for a season.
Yes, Hensley and myself were practically teammates. Of course, he actually wore a jersey while I have just seen one and it is likely that he didn’t know who I was. To be honest, I didn’t know who he was until Saturday when he threw that infamous pitch, but now we are linked forever.
May 22, 2002, the day of my 19th birthday, Hensley set a new Lamar single-game and a Southland Conference Tournament single-game record by striking out 17 Texas-Arlington batters in a Cardinals’ 5-3 win.
Without a doubt, Hensley’s performance, on my birthday, (a future national holiday) landed him the eighth-round draft pick to the San Francisco Giants after that season.
Also that year, Hensley set a record for most strikeouts in a single-season for Lamar pitchers by striking out 127 batters. Looking back, I probably had a lot to do with his success.
I might add that more than one of Hensley’s actual teammates during his one year at Lamar, played high school baseball with me (I can think of two who are in the minors right now and would probably talk to me if no one else were around).
By 2004, I was serving as the sports editor for the University Press where I often covered the Cardinals baseball team and head coach Jim Gilligan, who by the way is a member of the Texas Baseball Hall of Fame. I wrote a story about his induction.
Needless to say, Hensley and I both referred to Gilligan as coach.
For those of you who are still not convinced that I am now the greatest figure in baseball history, this part of the story should really get you.
The overall editor for the University Press in 2004 went to high school in Pearland, Texas, which is where Hensley went to high school. I am not for sure about this but given my editor’s age and Hensley’s age, I can safely assume they went to high school at the same time, which means they were probably best of friends.
And when you consider that I worked with Hensley’s best friend, played golf with his best friend, went to Astros’ games with his best friend, I am practically part of the Hensley family now.
I’m sure some of you know, since it was so rudely pointed out, that Hensley tested positive for steroids while he was still in the minors a couple years ago.
Well I’ve never done steroids, but I know of the drug, which is just another example of how Barry and I are connected.
If Barry did steroids and since Hensley did steroids and since I know of steroids and since the record used to be Hank Aaron’s, the connections are obvious.
I tell you, this just all feels so good — to be a part of such an historical moment in this wonderful game is just absolutely wonderful.
Because when you really think about it, now that Hank and I will probably start hanging out and since Hank broke Babe Ruth’s record, you can pretty much put every great baseball player in the same sentence as me.
It’s funny how things like this work out but this is just too wild not to flaunt in front of everyone who is now less of a person than myself. I hope the people I see everyday will be able to continue to give me my space, though.
I don’t want this to change anything in my day-to-day life. I’m still going to put my pants on (two legs at a time) just like the rest of you. I’m still going to clock in at work and put my time in as if nothing has happened. I just ask for autograph seekers to call in advance. After all, I have a life and a job just like the rest of you. It's just that my life means more than yours now.

Another programming message:
If you need a sports column, blogging fix between now and then or really ever, the Sports Guy on is always a good source. The late was the best ever. I was sad to see that go. Most brilliant writers in American/World history pre 2050 A.D. But while they no longer post, the site is still up. It will be worth your time.

Please feel free to use the message board for your own needs and rants in regards to sports.
I will not be monitoring the blog for two weeks, however, so here are some ground rules.

Keep it clean.
No hitting below the belt.
No facemasks.
No pulling hair.
No hip checks.
No spitting on your screen (I'll know).
Always shake hands.
Watch the language (as in no cussing)!! — for real!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It is my factual opinion that Bank of America tried to kill Adam Morrison in 2006

LA Laker and former Gonzaga star Adam Morrison, who is mostly known for crying in the closing minutes of a March Madness loss to UCLA in 2006, will be at the end of the bench in the NBA finals, which starts tonight in LA against the Orland Magic.
Morrison was the third pick of the 2006 draft by the Charlotte Bobcats and has not played in one game since being traded to LA earlier this year.
He played 78 games for Charlotte, tore his ACL and fell off the NBA map. He is a crier and his Bobcat coach Larry Brown said Morrison could not handle the pressures of being the third overall pick.
I totally agree.
Ironically, Morrison was named the college co-player-of-the-year in 2006, along with Jonathan Clay "J.J." Redick who also shares the role with Morrison as being the most overrated college players to ever play in college ever (I know what I just said).
Redick was chosen 11th overall in the 2006 draft by the Orlando Magic. He has never averaged more than six points per game in a season.
Now the two will face off in the the championship series.
But I really couldn't care less. Well with a few exceptions I couldn't care less. Those exceptions are: I hope neither Redick or Morrison see any playing time. I hope that the Magic pulls off the sweep over the Lakers and holds Kobe to zero points for the series.
I hope these things because Morrison and Redick are overrated as I stated earlier. I also hope this because if LA wins this series, it will become the single most worst team to ever win a championship in NBA history since the beginning of time... ever (I know what I just said).
What I am most concerned about for this Thursday, June 4th of 2009, blog, however, is this idea that LeBron James is a horrible person for showing a lack of sportsmanship after Cleveland lost out to Orlando in the semifinals.
Yes, he probably should have shook hands after the game. But he was frustrated. He was probably pouting a little bit but he was overwhelmed with disappointment. No one has dodged that feeling of being overwhelmed by something and just could not bare being around people, especially people who just caused all the disappointment.
LeBron didn't go to a bar, shoot people, or stab anyone. He did not set the arena on fire or run into the stands to beat up drunken fans.
So lets get over it folks. He's still a decent human being. He was just upset.
And I can totally relate. I hate losing. For instance, just yesterday, I lost around $140 to Bank of America in faulty overdraft penalty fees.
BOA was completely in the wrong. They didn't process a pending check that I deposited before my previous pending fees went through. Had the check cleared in time, there would have been no need for any overdraft penalties. BOA charges $35 per overdraft. I had eight so I was penalized $280.
After becoming aware of this tragic incident, I spoke with three BOA employees, who worked in the national branch in California (just another reason to hate the Lakers). Two of the three people were managers and none of them would help me.
For that, I showed a great deal of bad sportsmanship.
I even lost my cool at one time and shouted at the first manager I spoke with because she kept using the list of responses she was given by the company. She was so stupid and unhelpful that twice she used a response that did not fit the situation.
I then asked to speak with someone else. Before she transferred me, she tried to tell me thank you. I have no idea why she was thanking me, so I quickly interrupted and told her, "Don't be stupid. Don't tell me thank you. I could not be any more frustrated right now and you are a worthless liar. Sorry to be rude. Have a nice day."
She then said for the 670th time that she understood how I felt.
I said, "No. No you don't because you can help but you aren't going to. Just transfer me already."
I had to leave a message for that lady to call me back. When she did, I didn't bother to ask for her help. Instead, I gave her the best speech I have ever given in my life.
The speech consisted of the following comments.
"I am absolutely disgusted with this situation. It makes no sense to me that this bank would take part in beating the poor, working class, into the ground (I am not a democrat but I do hate all members in office equally) over a simple mistake.
"I barely get by as it is and have too many necessary bills for this non sense. In two years of banking here, I have never had an overdraft and you cannot cut me a break? Get real. And I immediately tried to correct this. I mean, within hours of seeing that I went under $38, I put a $175 check into my account, a check that was not processed until the next day. I ended up at a total of $78 in the negative. By my math, 175 is bigger than 78.
"Every pending charge I made that I am being penalized for is under $20 and you are going to charge me $35 a pop. It is now obvious to me how banks make their profits. This is a money making scam and it sickens me to think so many people probably go through this on a daily basis. I know you can help me but you won't. This bank has stolen from me. It makes me sick. You should petition to change the name because Bank of America is unAmerican and you've lost my business."
She never got a word in before I was done. As for her response, all she could muster was, "Wow!"
I don't know what her inflection meant but I felt good about it.
She said, "I'm sorry Mr. Pastorfrelly," or something to that affect.
I told her "thank you for MY time" and for her to have a wonderful afternoon preying on people like me.
I gave that speech while in the local manager's office. That man decided to help me and was able to cut $140 off my penalties. I shook his hand before I left but I later told him over the phone that I still felt cheated.
I can promise you all that I will not be staying with BOA any longer. In fact, after Friday's check from the PA News, I will be closing my account.
Anyway, I shook the manager's hand because I thought of LeBron and how he was ridiculed for not being a handshaker.
And I will tell this story to anyone who considers me a bad sport or questions my love for sports because I shook Mr. Manager's hand for LeBron.
And for those of you who are even the slightest bit confused or not convinced there is a sports connection with Bank of America, you probably won't be surprised to know that BOA is the official bank of the Houston Astros.
So it is no wonder why they are struggling. I apologize for being completely wrong with last week's assessments about Houston's problems because it's obvious that Drayton McLane cannot spend the money needed to a acquire a good team and good coach. He is probably worried sick that BOA is going to work him over with penalties.
The other connections between BOA and sports: BOA has manager's and so do all sports teams.
There are penalties called in football and there are penalties at BOA. The penalties are often unjust in both places. I looked at my online account for video replays just like the official boneheads do in baseball, basketball and football.
It took me nearly three hours to finish arguing about my contract (transactions). There are contracts in all sports.
Surely, you can see that the similarities are abundantly obvious.
In conclusion, I now have a theory that Adam Morrison was not crying about losing to UCLA. Instead, I think Morrison had found out (in the middle of the game) that BOA slammed him with overcharge fees because he went into the red after buying his Diabetes medication and supplies.
I mean, BOA literally tried to kill Morrison in the middle of a basketball game, a game where millions probably placed bets.
Just think of all the many people, who are probably homeless now all because of BOA's poor business ethics. I don't even think attempted murder falls under ethical crimes.
Someone could have died or worse.
And how do we know BOA is not behind America's current deficit, a deficit well into the trillions?
The government was trying to finance a war and health coverage all while BOA is running up overdraft fees.
It's just sick.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ed Wade equals Matt Millen

Astros record: 18-27
Last 10 games: 2-8
Last 45 games: 18-27

Month of April: 9-13
Month of May: 9-14
Month of June: 0-0 (best month so far)

Current losing streak: 7 games
Current winning streak: TBA
Longest losing streak: 7 games
Longest winning streak: 3 games

St. Louis 28 19 -
Milwaukee 27 20 1.0
Cincinnati 26 20 1.5
Chicago 23 22 4.0
Pittsburgh 21 26 7.0
Houston 18 27 9.0

Why and How?
Several reasons!

Astros are:
26th in runs scored (193)
10th in most runs allowed (232)
Team batting average: .267 (ranks 14th)
Team ERA: 4.68 (ranks 21st)

Non statistical reasons why the Astros are horrible:
Drayton McLane: He only spends so much money and he spends that little amount poorly.

Ed Wade: As the general manager, Mr. Wade came into Houston with a bang. He immediately got my approval when he cut loose a whole lot of dead weight in the Astros lineup. Most importantly, he got rid of Adam Everett, who could not hit water if he caught a cold (that last bit won't make sense so don't read it again).

Everett's best year of hitting came in A ball where he hit .245. WOW! Seriously, I could go on for days about how much Everett irritated me. I still lose sleep, replaying images of him staring at a third strike. When I do fall asleep, I still have this one dream where Everett and I meet and I start a fight with him. He quickly realizes all the built up anger I have from his inept abilities at the plate, he fears my rage and then goes for a bat to protect himself. That's when I wake up laughing. So thank you Mr. Wade for getting rid of Adam. And thanks for replacing him with Miguel Tejada. I've actually enjoyed Tejada being an Astro. Those transactions made me like Wade. Since then, however, Wade has only given me reasons to hate him.

He traded two pitching prospects and Willy Taveras for Jason Jennings, who probably could not work through a lineup that consisted of the Jonas Brothers and Hanson. After trading Taveras, Wade figured he needed another center fielder. He also figured it was time to part ways with Brad Lidge. I totally agreed that it was time to trade Lidge. But I thought we could do a little better than getting just one prospect in Michael Bourn, who ironically is basically the same exact player as Willy Taveras.

So lets recap: Willy T. and two pitching prospects for Jason Jennings, who did not work out and is no longer with us. So by my calculation, we are down four players right there. Then we traded a fifth player (World Series winner with Phillies last year) for Bourn, who is what we started with. I love completing circles. I really do. It was always my favorite formula for solving square roots. But honestly Wade, what are you doing???????

Farm system: Houston's farm system has to be the worst in baseball. The drafting is suspect and when the Astros do select a decent player, they usually trade him away or we do not see said players until they are closer to 30-years-old. Thanks for nothing!

Finally, Matt Millen: Millen ruined America by wrecking the Detroit Lions which play in Ford Field. Ford Field was built by the Ford Motor Company, which is part of the automobile industry that is subsequently sucking the life out of our country, causing crime rate to increase (I'm just guessing), which is forcing President Obama to shutdown Guantánamo Bay. As soon as Obama thought to do that, he then decided to nominate Sonia Sotomayor for the U.S. Supreme Court. You would think this would be good for the Astros since she helped end Major League Baseball's longest lockout (1994-95) in league history. Well Sotomayor was just working us all over because she isn't really a baseball fan. I know this because I heard earlier today — on one of the 24-hour news stations (worst idea in television history) — that Sotomayor would likely vote against American's rights to bear arms.

That's just wonderful!!! How in the world is Houston's pitching going to get better if we can no longer bear arms? What's next? No steroids? Way to go Millen! You've ruined America and its favorite past time. Someone should give him a ribbon for worst person ever.

Next series: Starts Friday (May 29) at Pittsburgh
Season series: Astros lead 2-1

Next starter:
Brian Moehler, who stopped bearing arms long time ago. His record is 1-3 this season. He has earned an 8.31 ERA by giving up 24 runs in 26 innings.

Logical deductions from this blog: Moehler, Wade and Millen are terrorists.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Beaver Believer

There is an issue that has been gnawing at me for quite sometime now. And gnawing just maybe the operative word in this blog because I have been inspired by one of the greatest gnawers in the universe — the Beaver, or should I say the face of hope for Americans and sports fans in general.
President Obama won the White House suite with his great speeches and ideals for change and those ideals brought hope to the American voters. I am usually against change but I look around at our financial problems and I see that change is a must. In fact, I think America needs a complete facelift that starts with replacing the current National Bird (Bald Eagle) with the Beaver.
I feel like the beaver, which has been endeared as a rodent, has been slighted a great deal over the years.
And I don't understand why the Bald Eagle won the rights to be America's bird in the first place. Did Thomas Jefferson make that call? Did it have something to do with Pearl Harbor? Did it happen after the Black Sox scandal of 1919?
I mean, there is nothing American about the American Bald Eagle, but there are a number of similarities between Americans and the beaver.
For instance, the American people do not have wings attached to our bodies. We can't fly and neither can the beaver. But just like the beaver, people can swim. Americans can swim (Michael Phelps!). After all, we got here by water, not by air.
Americans and beavers hate trees and the flow of water. Both have spent centuries cutting forests down to build dams, to build homes, businesses and sometimes trees were slaughtered for no real reason at all.
Beavers are not bald. Americans do everything possible to keep from going bald. Meanwhile, the bald eagle does nothing to stop baldness.
Long ago, beavers were forced to survive endangerment caused by Indians and early settlers, which trapped the animal for fur. Did beavers complain, try to file suit against the government? No, they accepted their role for the greater good. And now beavers are everywhere. But the eagle continues to lack in numbers. And out of fear they migrate every few months. Beavers don't do that. They survived. They built their numbers using a sounder, more structurally complete foundation, just like Americans did in the 1930s when this nation survived The Great Depression.
And now, Americans are endangered again because we took an economical nose dive off a cliff (expecting to fly like an eagle). We have face planted, and now we're wounded, lying flat on our backs watching a falling anvil readying to smash us deeper into the ground just like the Wile E. Coyote, another dumb animal that serves no major, collegiate or professional, flourishing sports team as a mascot.
And right now America is like a coyote that's putting its hope in an eagle.
At this hour of the current timeline of life, most American's don't have the money for health insurance. Beavers don't have money either, yet they move forward while the eagle flaunts its haughty wings on the back of our currency like a pigheaded, egotistical bald monster with feathers (I know, it's frightening).
We must change. We must learn to be more like beavers, a true American symbol.
I thought of this a year ago. I even wrote it down. But it took me nearly 365 days to realize the magnitude of the idea I was sitting on. And it was sports that made this all come full circle.
As much as I hate cardinals, including the actual bird and all sports teams except for Lamar, the NFL Cardinals proved in January that the eagle is the more pathetic species (Arizona 32, Philadelphia 25).
In college football, the Oregon State Beavers knocked off USC last year, saving America of another USC national championship. Texans hate USC and Texans are true Americans. And there are many reasons I base this truth upon.
On top of that list is Buc-ee's, the finest, most ginormous convenient store/gas station in America. It's filled with food, accessories, all shopping needs (even Christmas presents), and of course the most spacious and clean bathrooms you can find on the road, complete with enough toilet paper to TP the White House.
And you can find this marvelous cornerstone of American culture en route to San Antonio and Dallas, cities with fine sports franchises. I mean honestly, what says American better than a pit stop in the name of food, gas and toilets, especially when on the road to a Dallas Cowboys (America's team) game.
With the beaver as the face of its franchise, nothing has slowed Buc-ee's growth, not even the recession. Buc-ee's has the most fantastic advertising campaign ever assembled, a campaign probably built by the same team of people who worked for Obama this past election. Speaking of Obama, his brother-in-law coaches basketball at Oregon State. Coincidence? I think not! Fate — I think the opposite of not. I think ton, tons of hungry beavers.
Plus, those same "Beavers," with the difference being Beavers who played baseball, won the college World Series in 2006, their first ever.
And there are more sports connections. I heard a rumor (one I am making up right now) that Buc-ee's has won 912 straight company softball games against Wal-Mart and Target.
Also in regards to streaks, the Caltech "Beavers" snapped a 207 game-losing streak in basketball this past January, a streak that started in 1996, which is the same year that the Nebraska Cornhuskers won the college football national championship on Jan. 1 in "Arizona" of all places!
And speaking of corn, this year in March Madness, the American "Eagles" could not complete the upset over Villanova.
All this comes well after former NFL coach Dick Vermeil left the Philadelphia "Eagles" to later take over as coach of the St. Louis Rams where he won a Super Bowl by riding the arm of the current "Arizona" quarterback, Kurt Warner, who was a former grocery sacker from Iowa.
I just hope you readers are picking up what I am putting down. Field of Dreams, anyone?
Iowa is a huge corn state.
And Field of Dreams is perhaps my favorite film; but while watching it the other day, I realized that this epic masterpiece of a movie was more about change than baseball. Ray Kinsella "changed" his cornfield into a baseball field. He used a big tractor to mow his corn down, a tractor that probably killed half of the population of residing ghosts (baseball legends) which were living in his cornfields.
If only Kinsella had used beavers to clear out that necessary space.
I mean, what if he had mowed over his dad? There would have been no happy ending, no father-son game of catch, and no Pepsi commercial.
So I plead with you Mr. President. I beg you to change the National Bird to the Beaver. I beg you to forget about the Eagle, forget about the auto industry, forget about Iraq, Iran, Korea, China, Afghanistan, terrorism, Guantanamo Bay and forget about Joe Plumber.
Just focus on the beaver because in this furry animal lies the keys to the metaphorical automobile that this country so desperately needs, the metaphorical tank that can be driven by Captain Joe Plumber, a marine who could free all the plugged up pipe dreams we have of ending all threats against peace.
I beg you, Mr. President to focus on the growth of Buc-ee's. To build them all across Iowa, regardless of what kind of Ecofriendly gas we're selling. I plead with you because people will come.
They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up the driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at the doors as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, the owners will say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they'll eventually have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to their tailgates; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved parking somewhere between the painted stripes, where they parked when they were children and cheered for their favorite snacks. And they'll watch the cashier hand over the goods as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Barack. The one constant through all the years, Barack, has been beavers. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But beavers have marked the time. This store, these bathrooms: it's a part of our past, Barack. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Barack. People will most definitely come.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Friends, Texans, Country men... the blog is yours this week!

Sorry that this blog is coming a little later than usual. Because of the Pig Hurricane and decisions made by the UIL, I have been swamped this week. I mean, I probably had a morning or two when I could have got cranking at 8'oclock but I can barely carry out necessary motor skills before 12 p.m., so that was really out of the question.

But like I said, I've been swamped and will be that way for at least the rest of this week. Basically, I'm going to hand the blog over to you guys and let yall run with it.

Up for debate:
Game 6 between LA and Houston: A story of good and evil?
Whose better: LeBron or Kobe: A story of good and evil?
After Lakers beat the Rockets, who wins out of LA and Denver: A story of good and evil?
***Will Kobe have relations with a hotel bell girl in Denver: A story of good and evil?
***Should girl victim that Kobe allegedly (and probably) raped (only I didn't believe that until this series with Houston when he raped the Rockets in at least three games) sing the National Anthem at one of Denver's first home game in Western Finals: A story of good and evil?
Do you think former President Bush ever supplied ARod (when with the Rangers) with steroids or had the government steal opposing team's pitching signals?
AND... Astros talk is always acceptable, especially if it includes bashing management.

***These are questions from readers and or their friends. Thanks for being ridiculous.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Starting to feel good about Rockets chances

Editor's note: This blog was written early Wednesday afternoon before Game 2 but was not posted because of technical difficulties. My apologies. I am, however, going to tip off the posting proceedings because I am rather perturbed about last night's game. Everyone with a soul who watched Game 2 was absolutely cheated. I felt so dirty, I decided to drink a can of Lysol.

I have good and bad news concerning the Rockets 100-92 win over the Lakers in Los Angeles on Monday night. The good news is that I have come to believe Houston can actually beat LA and move onto the conference finals. The bad news is that I have come to believe Houston can actually beat LA.
In regards to the bad news, I do not have a very good track record with teams I believe in. For example, I believed in the 2004 Astros (once they got Carlos Beltran) but did not believe in the 2005 Astros. I did not believe in the 2007 Cowboys but did believe in the 2008 Cowboys.
Now for the good news: Three of the four times Houston played the Lakers this season, the Rockets were coming off tough road trips. The last meeting followed a road trip that included games with San Antonio, Utah and Phoenix.
The Rockets did catch a home game with the Clippers after those three games but immediately hit the road to LA.
The third meeting with the Lakers was in Houston but the Rockets were coming off a trip to Denver. The second matchup with Kobe's team came after a five-game road trip that included games with Atlanta, Philadelphia and Boston.
The Rockets hosted the Knicks before the Lakers came to town in that stretch but still caught the Lakers after a pretty tough 10 days.
The first meeting with the Lakers was an embarrassment with the least amount of excuses. That 111-82 loss did happen in LA but it was just the second game of a road trip that started with the Clippers. Meanwhile, the two home losses to the Lakers were decided by a total of 12 points, and the final matchup in LA was a 93-81 decision.
On the other side, LA's schedule prior to games with the Rockets was much easier. Only the final meeting followed an extensive road trip. However, that bout went down in LA.
Furthermore, only four of the teams the Lakers faced in that seven-game trip were playoff teams, and only one of those teams have advanced to the second round, which was Atlanta, the Lakers second stop in that stretch. Also about that road rally, five of those seven games were against Eastern Conference teams, which we all know is the lesser conference aside from Cleveland and Boston with Kevin Garnett.
The first two times LA faced the Rockets followed games against the Clippers, which is at home either way for the Lakers. The third matchup followed a trip to Portland, another west coast team.
The Lakers were practically catered the whole season like this.
Here are a few more reasons I believe Houston can upset LA: The Rockets won Game 1 on a relatively average night. They lost the rebounding battle (39-35), committed more turnovers (16-13) and only shot three percent better from the field than the Lakers (47.9-44.3).
The difference was Houston shot nearly 30 percent from 3-point land, while LA barely shot more than 10 percent (2-for-18). The Rockets also shot 86 percent from the free throw line, while LA was only good 63 percent of the time.
The best free throw shooter Monday night was Yao Ming who was 10-for-10 from the stripe. And the Lakers really have no answer for him, unless he gets into foul trouble or they double him. If the supporting cast can continue shooting like they did Monday, deciding to double Yao would not be such a bad thing for Houston. Plus, Yao is a great passer.
Furthermore, and at the very least, Yao needs to continue shooting at least 17 times per contest in this series, just like he did in Game 1 (9-for-17 with 28 points).
In the season series with LA, the only time Yao shot more than 15 times came in a tough 105-100 home loss, which was the tightest margin of all four games.
Basically, it is simple math for Houston and coach Rick Adelman: get your 7-6 center the ball every play and fine him if he doesn't shoot at least 17 times — with the exception to that rule being if he has 17 assists.
Concluding this rant, I know most of the media are figuring the Rockets pulled off a stunner that won't happen again. They are jumping on Kobe's second half laurels where he increased his eight points in the first half into a game-high 32 points.
However, it took Kobe 31 shots to reach that amount and he was only 1-for-7 from behind the arch.
Also, the Rockets had three players with 19 points or more while LA's second leading scorer topped out with 14.
And finally, the obvious reason I think the Rockets may just pull this off is because they now have home-court advantage.
Then again, I probably just jinxed whatever chances they had.