Thursday, June 11, 2009

Barry, Hank, Babe, me. But not necessarily in that order

Programming advisory:
I am on vacation and will not blog again until June 24th or 25th. Because of that sad news, I will leave you all with something I wrote a day or two after Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron's home run record on Aug. 7, 2007.

I'm famous and going to the Hall of Fame:
I had no idea that Barry Bonds’ 755th home run was going to make me famous, but that is now the case. It might be hard for the simple minded to understand the connection between the pitcher, the ball, Bonds, Hank Aaron and myself, but the connection is there.
Clay Hensley from the San Diego Padres gave up No. 755 to Bonds in PETCO Park on Saturday. That homer tied Bonds with Aaron and will forever be remembered, thanks to me. More than likely, the ball, the moment and myself will find a way into Cooperstown. Perhaps I won’t be a first or second-ballot selection into the Hall of Fame, but I know my time will come.
The story that has led me to this sudden life of fame all started in 2002. I was at Lamar University where I recently graduated (yes it took me six years).
During Lamar’s 2002 baseball season, my freshman year, I tried walking on to the team because I wasn’t quite ready to hang up the dream. Unfortunately, I did not make the squad because I slightly tore my groin.
Some might believe there was also an issue of talent, but it’s me who is laughing now.
Before my injury and when I was younger, I toed the rubber at Vincent-Beck Stadium (Lamar Cardinals Baseball Stadium) where Hensley also pitched and played for a season.
Yes, Hensley and myself were practically teammates. Of course, he actually wore a jersey while I have just seen one and it is likely that he didn’t know who I was. To be honest, I didn’t know who he was until Saturday when he threw that infamous pitch, but now we are linked forever.
May 22, 2002, the day of my 19th birthday, Hensley set a new Lamar single-game and a Southland Conference Tournament single-game record by striking out 17 Texas-Arlington batters in a Cardinals’ 5-3 win.
Without a doubt, Hensley’s performance, on my birthday, (a future national holiday) landed him the eighth-round draft pick to the San Francisco Giants after that season.
Also that year, Hensley set a record for most strikeouts in a single-season for Lamar pitchers by striking out 127 batters. Looking back, I probably had a lot to do with his success.
I might add that more than one of Hensley’s actual teammates during his one year at Lamar, played high school baseball with me (I can think of two who are in the minors right now and would probably talk to me if no one else were around).
By 2004, I was serving as the sports editor for the University Press where I often covered the Cardinals baseball team and head coach Jim Gilligan, who by the way is a member of the Texas Baseball Hall of Fame. I wrote a story about his induction.
Needless to say, Hensley and I both referred to Gilligan as coach.
For those of you who are still not convinced that I am now the greatest figure in baseball history, this part of the story should really get you.
The overall editor for the University Press in 2004 went to high school in Pearland, Texas, which is where Hensley went to high school. I am not for sure about this but given my editor’s age and Hensley’s age, I can safely assume they went to high school at the same time, which means they were probably best of friends.
And when you consider that I worked with Hensley’s best friend, played golf with his best friend, went to Astros’ games with his best friend, I am practically part of the Hensley family now.
I’m sure some of you know, since it was so rudely pointed out, that Hensley tested positive for steroids while he was still in the minors a couple years ago.
Well I’ve never done steroids, but I know of the drug, which is just another example of how Barry and I are connected.
If Barry did steroids and since Hensley did steroids and since I know of steroids and since the record used to be Hank Aaron’s, the connections are obvious.
I tell you, this just all feels so good — to be a part of such an historical moment in this wonderful game is just absolutely wonderful.
Because when you really think about it, now that Hank and I will probably start hanging out and since Hank broke Babe Ruth’s record, you can pretty much put every great baseball player in the same sentence as me.
It’s funny how things like this work out but this is just too wild not to flaunt in front of everyone who is now less of a person than myself. I hope the people I see everyday will be able to continue to give me my space, though.
I don’t want this to change anything in my day-to-day life. I’m still going to put my pants on (two legs at a time) just like the rest of you. I’m still going to clock in at work and put my time in as if nothing has happened. I just ask for autograph seekers to call in advance. After all, I have a life and a job just like the rest of you. It's just that my life means more than yours now.

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Another programming message:
If you need a sports column, blogging fix between now and then or really ever, the Sports Guy on ESPN.com is always a good source. The late FireJoeMorgan.com was the best ever. I was sad to see that go. Most brilliant writers in American/World history pre 2050 A.D. But while they no longer post, the site is still up. It will be worth your time.

Please feel free to use the message board for your own needs and rants in regards to sports.
I will not be monitoring the blog for two weeks, however, so here are some ground rules.

Keep it clean.
No hitting below the belt.
No facemasks.
No pulling hair.
No hip checks.
No spitting on your screen (I'll know).
Always shake hands.
Watch the language (as in no cussing)!! — for real!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It is my factual opinion that Bank of America tried to kill Adam Morrison in 2006

LA Laker and former Gonzaga star Adam Morrison, who is mostly known for crying in the closing minutes of a March Madness loss to UCLA in 2006, will be at the end of the bench in the NBA finals, which starts tonight in LA against the Orland Magic.
Morrison was the third pick of the 2006 draft by the Charlotte Bobcats and has not played in one game since being traded to LA earlier this year.
He played 78 games for Charlotte, tore his ACL and fell off the NBA map. He is a crier and his Bobcat coach Larry Brown said Morrison could not handle the pressures of being the third overall pick.
I totally agree.
Ironically, Morrison was named the college co-player-of-the-year in 2006, along with Jonathan Clay "J.J." Redick who also shares the role with Morrison as being the most overrated college players to ever play in college ever (I know what I just said).
Redick was chosen 11th overall in the 2006 draft by the Orlando Magic. He has never averaged more than six points per game in a season.
Now the two will face off in the the championship series.
But I really couldn't care less. Well with a few exceptions I couldn't care less. Those exceptions are: I hope neither Redick or Morrison see any playing time. I hope that the Magic pulls off the sweep over the Lakers and holds Kobe to zero points for the series.
I hope these things because Morrison and Redick are overrated as I stated earlier. I also hope this because if LA wins this series, it will become the single most worst team to ever win a championship in NBA history since the beginning of time... ever (I know what I just said).
What I am most concerned about for this Thursday, June 4th of 2009, blog, however, is this idea that LeBron James is a horrible person for showing a lack of sportsmanship after Cleveland lost out to Orlando in the semifinals.
Yes, he probably should have shook hands after the game. But he was frustrated. He was probably pouting a little bit but he was overwhelmed with disappointment. No one has dodged that feeling of being overwhelmed by something and just could not bare being around people, especially people who just caused all the disappointment.
LeBron didn't go to a bar, shoot people, or stab anyone. He did not set the arena on fire or run into the stands to beat up drunken fans.
So lets get over it folks. He's still a decent human being. He was just upset.
And I can totally relate. I hate losing. For instance, just yesterday, I lost around $140 to Bank of America in faulty overdraft penalty fees.
BOA was completely in the wrong. They didn't process a pending check that I deposited before my previous pending fees went through. Had the check cleared in time, there would have been no need for any overdraft penalties. BOA charges $35 per overdraft. I had eight so I was penalized $280.
After becoming aware of this tragic incident, I spoke with three BOA employees, who worked in the national branch in California (just another reason to hate the Lakers). Two of the three people were managers and none of them would help me.
For that, I showed a great deal of bad sportsmanship.
I even lost my cool at one time and shouted at the first manager I spoke with because she kept using the list of responses she was given by the company. She was so stupid and unhelpful that twice she used a response that did not fit the situation.
I then asked to speak with someone else. Before she transferred me, she tried to tell me thank you. I have no idea why she was thanking me, so I quickly interrupted and told her, "Don't be stupid. Don't tell me thank you. I could not be any more frustrated right now and you are a worthless liar. Sorry to be rude. Have a nice day."
She then said for the 670th time that she understood how I felt.
I said, "No. No you don't because you can help but you aren't going to. Just transfer me already."
I had to leave a message for that lady to call me back. When she did, I didn't bother to ask for her help. Instead, I gave her the best speech I have ever given in my life.
The speech consisted of the following comments.
"I am absolutely disgusted with this situation. It makes no sense to me that this bank would take part in beating the poor, working class, into the ground (I am not a democrat but I do hate all members in office equally) over a simple mistake.
"I barely get by as it is and have too many necessary bills for this non sense. In two years of banking here, I have never had an overdraft and you cannot cut me a break? Get real. And I immediately tried to correct this. I mean, within hours of seeing that I went under $38, I put a $175 check into my account, a check that was not processed until the next day. I ended up at a total of $78 in the negative. By my math, 175 is bigger than 78.
"Every pending charge I made that I am being penalized for is under $20 and you are going to charge me $35 a pop. It is now obvious to me how banks make their profits. This is a money making scam and it sickens me to think so many people probably go through this on a daily basis. I know you can help me but you won't. This bank has stolen from me. It makes me sick. You should petition to change the name because Bank of America is unAmerican and you've lost my business."
She never got a word in before I was done. As for her response, all she could muster was, "Wow!"
I don't know what her inflection meant but I felt good about it.
She said, "I'm sorry Mr. Pastorfrelly," or something to that affect.
I told her "thank you for MY time" and for her to have a wonderful afternoon preying on people like me.
I gave that speech while in the local manager's office. That man decided to help me and was able to cut $140 off my penalties. I shook his hand before I left but I later told him over the phone that I still felt cheated.
I can promise you all that I will not be staying with BOA any longer. In fact, after Friday's check from the PA News, I will be closing my account.
Anyway, I shook the manager's hand because I thought of LeBron and how he was ridiculed for not being a handshaker.
And I will tell this story to anyone who considers me a bad sport or questions my love for sports because I shook Mr. Manager's hand for LeBron.
And for those of you who are even the slightest bit confused or not convinced there is a sports connection with Bank of America, you probably won't be surprised to know that BOA is the official bank of the Houston Astros.
So it is no wonder why they are struggling. I apologize for being completely wrong with last week's assessments about Houston's problems because it's obvious that Drayton McLane cannot spend the money needed to a acquire a good team and good coach. He is probably worried sick that BOA is going to work him over with penalties.
The other connections between BOA and sports: BOA has manager's and so do all sports teams.
There are penalties called in football and there are penalties at BOA. The penalties are often unjust in both places. I looked at my online account for video replays just like the official boneheads do in baseball, basketball and football.
It took me nearly three hours to finish arguing about my contract (transactions). There are contracts in all sports.
Surely, you can see that the similarities are abundantly obvious.
In conclusion, I now have a theory that Adam Morrison was not crying about losing to UCLA. Instead, I think Morrison had found out (in the middle of the game) that BOA slammed him with overcharge fees because he went into the red after buying his Diabetes medication and supplies.
I mean, BOA literally tried to kill Morrison in the middle of a basketball game, a game where millions probably placed bets.
Just think of all the many people, who are probably homeless now all because of BOA's poor business ethics. I don't even think attempted murder falls under ethical crimes.
Someone could have died or worse.
And how do we know BOA is not behind America's current deficit, a deficit well into the trillions?
The government was trying to finance a war and health coverage all while BOA is running up overdraft fees.
It's just sick.