Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ed Wade equals Matt Millen

Astros record: 18-27
Last 10 games: 2-8
Last 45 games: 18-27

Month of April: 9-13
Month of May: 9-14
Month of June: 0-0 (best month so far)

Current losing streak: 7 games
Current winning streak: TBA
Longest losing streak: 7 games
Longest winning streak: 3 games

TEAM W L GB
St. Louis 28 19 -
Milwaukee 27 20 1.0
Cincinnati 26 20 1.5
Chicago 23 22 4.0
Pittsburgh 21 26 7.0
Houston 18 27 9.0

Why and How?
Several reasons!

Astros are:
26th in runs scored (193)
10th in most runs allowed (232)
Team batting average: .267 (ranks 14th)
Team ERA: 4.68 (ranks 21st)

Non statistical reasons why the Astros are horrible:
Drayton McLane: He only spends so much money and he spends that little amount poorly.

Ed Wade: As the general manager, Mr. Wade came into Houston with a bang. He immediately got my approval when he cut loose a whole lot of dead weight in the Astros lineup. Most importantly, he got rid of Adam Everett, who could not hit water if he caught a cold (that last bit won't make sense so don't read it again).

Everett's best year of hitting came in A ball where he hit .245. WOW! Seriously, I could go on for days about how much Everett irritated me. I still lose sleep, replaying images of him staring at a third strike. When I do fall asleep, I still have this one dream where Everett and I meet and I start a fight with him. He quickly realizes all the built up anger I have from his inept abilities at the plate, he fears my rage and then goes for a bat to protect himself. That's when I wake up laughing. So thank you Mr. Wade for getting rid of Adam. And thanks for replacing him with Miguel Tejada. I've actually enjoyed Tejada being an Astro. Those transactions made me like Wade. Since then, however, Wade has only given me reasons to hate him.

He traded two pitching prospects and Willy Taveras for Jason Jennings, who probably could not work through a lineup that consisted of the Jonas Brothers and Hanson. After trading Taveras, Wade figured he needed another center fielder. He also figured it was time to part ways with Brad Lidge. I totally agreed that it was time to trade Lidge. But I thought we could do a little better than getting just one prospect in Michael Bourn, who ironically is basically the same exact player as Willy Taveras.

So lets recap: Willy T. and two pitching prospects for Jason Jennings, who did not work out and is no longer with us. So by my calculation, we are down four players right there. Then we traded a fifth player (World Series winner with Phillies last year) for Bourn, who is what we started with. I love completing circles. I really do. It was always my favorite formula for solving square roots. But honestly Wade, what are you doing???????

Farm system: Houston's farm system has to be the worst in baseball. The drafting is suspect and when the Astros do select a decent player, they usually trade him away or we do not see said players until they are closer to 30-years-old. Thanks for nothing!

Finally, Matt Millen: Millen ruined America by wrecking the Detroit Lions which play in Ford Field. Ford Field was built by the Ford Motor Company, which is part of the automobile industry that is subsequently sucking the life out of our country, causing crime rate to increase (I'm just guessing), which is forcing President Obama to shutdown Guantánamo Bay. As soon as Obama thought to do that, he then decided to nominate Sonia Sotomayor for the U.S. Supreme Court. You would think this would be good for the Astros since she helped end Major League Baseball's longest lockout (1994-95) in league history. Well Sotomayor was just working us all over because she isn't really a baseball fan. I know this because I heard earlier today — on one of the 24-hour news stations (worst idea in television history) — that Sotomayor would likely vote against American's rights to bear arms.

That's just wonderful!!! How in the world is Houston's pitching going to get better if we can no longer bear arms? What's next? No steroids? Way to go Millen! You've ruined America and its favorite past time. Someone should give him a ribbon for worst person ever.

Next series: Starts Friday (May 29) at Pittsburgh
Season series: Astros lead 2-1

Next starter:
Brian Moehler, who stopped bearing arms long time ago. His record is 1-3 this season. He has earned an 8.31 ERA by giving up 24 runs in 26 innings.

Logical deductions from this blog: Moehler, Wade and Millen are terrorists.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Beaver Believer

There is an issue that has been gnawing at me for quite sometime now. And gnawing just maybe the operative word in this blog because I have been inspired by one of the greatest gnawers in the universe — the Beaver, or should I say the face of hope for Americans and sports fans in general.
President Obama won the White House suite with his great speeches and ideals for change and those ideals brought hope to the American voters. I am usually against change but I look around at our financial problems and I see that change is a must. In fact, I think America needs a complete facelift that starts with replacing the current National Bird (Bald Eagle) with the Beaver.
I feel like the beaver, which has been endeared as a rodent, has been slighted a great deal over the years.
And I don't understand why the Bald Eagle won the rights to be America's bird in the first place. Did Thomas Jefferson make that call? Did it have something to do with Pearl Harbor? Did it happen after the Black Sox scandal of 1919?
I mean, there is nothing American about the American Bald Eagle, but there are a number of similarities between Americans and the beaver.
For instance, the American people do not have wings attached to our bodies. We can't fly and neither can the beaver. But just like the beaver, people can swim. Americans can swim (Michael Phelps!). After all, we got here by water, not by air.
Americans and beavers hate trees and the flow of water. Both have spent centuries cutting forests down to build dams, to build homes, businesses and sometimes trees were slaughtered for no real reason at all.
Beavers are not bald. Americans do everything possible to keep from going bald. Meanwhile, the bald eagle does nothing to stop baldness.
Long ago, beavers were forced to survive endangerment caused by Indians and early settlers, which trapped the animal for fur. Did beavers complain, try to file suit against the government? No, they accepted their role for the greater good. And now beavers are everywhere. But the eagle continues to lack in numbers. And out of fear they migrate every few months. Beavers don't do that. They survived. They built their numbers using a sounder, more structurally complete foundation, just like Americans did in the 1930s when this nation survived The Great Depression.
And now, Americans are endangered again because we took an economical nose dive off a cliff (expecting to fly like an eagle). We have face planted, and now we're wounded, lying flat on our backs watching a falling anvil readying to smash us deeper into the ground just like the Wile E. Coyote, another dumb animal that serves no major, collegiate or professional, flourishing sports team as a mascot.
And right now America is like a coyote that's putting its hope in an eagle.
At this hour of the current timeline of life, most American's don't have the money for health insurance. Beavers don't have money either, yet they move forward while the eagle flaunts its haughty wings on the back of our currency like a pigheaded, egotistical bald monster with feathers (I know, it's frightening).
We must change. We must learn to be more like beavers, a true American symbol.
I thought of this a year ago. I even wrote it down. But it took me nearly 365 days to realize the magnitude of the idea I was sitting on. And it was sports that made this all come full circle.
As much as I hate cardinals, including the actual bird and all sports teams except for Lamar, the NFL Cardinals proved in January that the eagle is the more pathetic species (Arizona 32, Philadelphia 25).
In college football, the Oregon State Beavers knocked off USC last year, saving America of another USC national championship. Texans hate USC and Texans are true Americans. And there are many reasons I base this truth upon.
On top of that list is Buc-ee's, the finest, most ginormous convenient store/gas station in America. It's filled with food, accessories, all shopping needs (even Christmas presents), and of course the most spacious and clean bathrooms you can find on the road, complete with enough toilet paper to TP the White House.
And you can find this marvelous cornerstone of American culture en route to San Antonio and Dallas, cities with fine sports franchises. I mean honestly, what says American better than a pit stop in the name of food, gas and toilets, especially when on the road to a Dallas Cowboys (America's team) game.
With the beaver as the face of its franchise, nothing has slowed Buc-ee's growth, not even the recession. Buc-ee's has the most fantastic advertising campaign ever assembled, a campaign probably built by the same team of people who worked for Obama this past election. Speaking of Obama, his brother-in-law coaches basketball at Oregon State. Coincidence? I think not! Fate — I think the opposite of not. I think ton, tons of hungry beavers.
Plus, those same "Beavers," with the difference being Beavers who played baseball, won the college World Series in 2006, their first ever.
And there are more sports connections. I heard a rumor (one I am making up right now) that Buc-ee's has won 912 straight company softball games against Wal-Mart and Target.
Also in regards to streaks, the Caltech "Beavers" snapped a 207 game-losing streak in basketball this past January, a streak that started in 1996, which is the same year that the Nebraska Cornhuskers won the college football national championship on Jan. 1 in "Arizona" of all places!
And speaking of corn, this year in March Madness, the American "Eagles" could not complete the upset over Villanova.
All this comes well after former NFL coach Dick Vermeil left the Philadelphia "Eagles" to later take over as coach of the St. Louis Rams where he won a Super Bowl by riding the arm of the current "Arizona" quarterback, Kurt Warner, who was a former grocery sacker from Iowa.
I just hope you readers are picking up what I am putting down. Field of Dreams, anyone?
Iowa is a huge corn state.
And Field of Dreams is perhaps my favorite film; but while watching it the other day, I realized that this epic masterpiece of a movie was more about change than baseball. Ray Kinsella "changed" his cornfield into a baseball field. He used a big tractor to mow his corn down, a tractor that probably killed half of the population of residing ghosts (baseball legends) which were living in his cornfields.
If only Kinsella had used beavers to clear out that necessary space.
I mean, what if he had mowed over his dad? There would have been no happy ending, no father-son game of catch, and no Pepsi commercial.
So I plead with you Mr. President. I beg you to change the National Bird to the Beaver. I beg you to forget about the Eagle, forget about the auto industry, forget about Iraq, Iran, Korea, China, Afghanistan, terrorism, Guantanamo Bay and forget about Joe Plumber.
Just focus on the beaver because in this furry animal lies the keys to the metaphorical automobile that this country so desperately needs, the metaphorical tank that can be driven by Captain Joe Plumber, a marine who could free all the plugged up pipe dreams we have of ending all threats against peace.
I beg you, Mr. President to focus on the growth of Buc-ee's. To build them all across Iowa, regardless of what kind of Ecofriendly gas we're selling. I plead with you because people will come.
They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up the driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at the doors as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, the owners will say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they'll eventually have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to their tailgates; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved parking somewhere between the painted stripes, where they parked when they were children and cheered for their favorite snacks. And they'll watch the cashier hand over the goods as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Barack. The one constant through all the years, Barack, has been beavers. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But beavers have marked the time. This store, these bathrooms: it's a part of our past, Barack. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Barack. People will most definitely come.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Friends, Texans, Country men... the blog is yours this week!

Sorry that this blog is coming a little later than usual. Because of the Pig Hurricane and decisions made by the UIL, I have been swamped this week. I mean, I probably had a morning or two when I could have got cranking at 8'oclock but I can barely carry out necessary motor skills before 12 p.m., so that was really out of the question.

But like I said, I've been swamped and will be that way for at least the rest of this week. Basically, I'm going to hand the blog over to you guys and let yall run with it.

Up for debate:
Game 6 between LA and Houston: A story of good and evil?
Whose better: LeBron or Kobe: A story of good and evil?
After Lakers beat the Rockets, who wins out of LA and Denver: A story of good and evil?
***Will Kobe have relations with a hotel bell girl in Denver: A story of good and evil?
***Should girl victim that Kobe allegedly (and probably) raped (only I didn't believe that until this series with Houston when he raped the Rockets in at least three games) sing the National Anthem at one of Denver's first home game in Western Finals: A story of good and evil?
Do you think former President Bush ever supplied ARod (when with the Rangers) with steroids or had the government steal opposing team's pitching signals?
AND... Astros talk is always acceptable, especially if it includes bashing management.

***These are questions from readers and or their friends. Thanks for being ridiculous.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Starting to feel good about Rockets chances

Editor's note: This blog was written early Wednesday afternoon before Game 2 but was not posted because of technical difficulties. My apologies. I am, however, going to tip off the posting proceedings because I am rather perturbed about last night's game. Everyone with a soul who watched Game 2 was absolutely cheated. I felt so dirty, I decided to drink a can of Lysol.

I have good and bad news concerning the Rockets 100-92 win over the Lakers in Los Angeles on Monday night. The good news is that I have come to believe Houston can actually beat LA and move onto the conference finals. The bad news is that I have come to believe Houston can actually beat LA.
In regards to the bad news, I do not have a very good track record with teams I believe in. For example, I believed in the 2004 Astros (once they got Carlos Beltran) but did not believe in the 2005 Astros. I did not believe in the 2007 Cowboys but did believe in the 2008 Cowboys.
Now for the good news: Three of the four times Houston played the Lakers this season, the Rockets were coming off tough road trips. The last meeting followed a road trip that included games with San Antonio, Utah and Phoenix.
The Rockets did catch a home game with the Clippers after those three games but immediately hit the road to LA.
The third meeting with the Lakers was in Houston but the Rockets were coming off a trip to Denver. The second matchup with Kobe's team came after a five-game road trip that included games with Atlanta, Philadelphia and Boston.
The Rockets hosted the Knicks before the Lakers came to town in that stretch but still caught the Lakers after a pretty tough 10 days.
The first meeting with the Lakers was an embarrassment with the least amount of excuses. That 111-82 loss did happen in LA but it was just the second game of a road trip that started with the Clippers. Meanwhile, the two home losses to the Lakers were decided by a total of 12 points, and the final matchup in LA was a 93-81 decision.
On the other side, LA's schedule prior to games with the Rockets was much easier. Only the final meeting followed an extensive road trip. However, that bout went down in LA.
Furthermore, only four of the teams the Lakers faced in that seven-game trip were playoff teams, and only one of those teams have advanced to the second round, which was Atlanta, the Lakers second stop in that stretch. Also about that road rally, five of those seven games were against Eastern Conference teams, which we all know is the lesser conference aside from Cleveland and Boston with Kevin Garnett.
The first two times LA faced the Rockets followed games against the Clippers, which is at home either way for the Lakers. The third matchup followed a trip to Portland, another west coast team.
The Lakers were practically catered the whole season like this.
Here are a few more reasons I believe Houston can upset LA: The Rockets won Game 1 on a relatively average night. They lost the rebounding battle (39-35), committed more turnovers (16-13) and only shot three percent better from the field than the Lakers (47.9-44.3).
The difference was Houston shot nearly 30 percent from 3-point land, while LA barely shot more than 10 percent (2-for-18). The Rockets also shot 86 percent from the free throw line, while LA was only good 63 percent of the time.
The best free throw shooter Monday night was Yao Ming who was 10-for-10 from the stripe. And the Lakers really have no answer for him, unless he gets into foul trouble or they double him. If the supporting cast can continue shooting like they did Monday, deciding to double Yao would not be such a bad thing for Houston. Plus, Yao is a great passer.
Furthermore, and at the very least, Yao needs to continue shooting at least 17 times per contest in this series, just like he did in Game 1 (9-for-17 with 28 points).
In the season series with LA, the only time Yao shot more than 15 times came in a tough 105-100 home loss, which was the tightest margin of all four games.
Basically, it is simple math for Houston and coach Rick Adelman: get your 7-6 center the ball every play and fine him if he doesn't shoot at least 17 times — with the exception to that rule being if he has 17 assists.
Concluding this rant, I know most of the media are figuring the Rockets pulled off a stunner that won't happen again. They are jumping on Kobe's second half laurels where he increased his eight points in the first half into a game-high 32 points.
However, it took Kobe 31 shots to reach that amount and he was only 1-for-7 from behind the arch.
Also, the Rockets had three players with 19 points or more while LA's second leading scorer topped out with 14.
And finally, the obvious reason I think the Rockets may just pull this off is because they now have home-court advantage.
Then again, I probably just jinxed whatever chances they had.