Fantasy Romo Dating; See my first round pick

By way of my comeback tour, I've decided to honor Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo with my personal opinion on their relationship and what the future holds for the Dallas Cowboys. More specifically, what girl Tony should date next, as in what girl could help him be a better quarterback.
I want to start by saying I will not get into Simpson's affect on Romo's playing, or if she had any affect on the Cowboys as a team. Besides, I think Romo turns the ball over so much that it's too hard to blame any one person (I know what I said). Basically, I'm not going to blame Jessica for anything.
As far as Romo's relationships, I have to wonder if Romo is the problem. I mean, if a scratch golfer like Tony can't get along with Terrell Owens, how is he going to keep a relationship with Simpson or Carrie Underwood for that matter?
What does Romo's golfing abilities have to do with his relationships with Owens, Simpson and Underwood? I will answer that question with another question. In Everybody Loves Raymond, golf always gets in the way of Ray and his family.
Yes, I think golf caused Romo and TO to breakup. I think it ultimately was his downfall with Jessica as well. Tony was out playing a round with Tiger Woods only a week before the breakup. Coincidentally enough, he ended their relationship the day before her 29th birthday.
And Tiger Woods has birthdays. So does Owens.
But this is only relevant because the British Open started Thursday and Phil Mickelson, who also has a birthday, will not be playing because his wife has cancer.
And cancer is and has been the new steroids. Why? Because athletes who test positive for cancer get sympathy instead of hate mail and suspensions. Then they get to take steroids legally. When they come back, they are even better than before.
For example, Boston's Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter after returning from cancer leave.
But I'll see that example and raise myself Lance Armstrong, another cancer survivor, who is currently going for his eighth Tour De France (belt?).
But cancer is really only relevant because LiveStrong is from Texas, the same state Simpson is from. More directly, Armstrong is from Austin, which is where the Longhorns reside. And all sports fans know the Longhorns' rivals are the Oklahoma Sooners and Oklahoma is where Carrie Underwood is from.
Underwood and Simpson are also rivals. They both have birthdays and both are music stars. Statistically speaking (I make my stats up), one of them will likely end up with cancer. And they are both blondes.
It's easy to think Simpson has the upper hand in this rivalry because she did not need American Idol to become popular. She got there before American Idol even started. Then she stole Romo from Underwood. But Underwood is younger, more attractive (seems she could hold a conversation), has more talent, and HAS NOT COST the Cowboys a Super Bowl, and that makes Simpson a loser.
The Super Bowl is really my main focus in all of this because I want one. I want a Fantasy Football Super Bowl and for the Cowboys to win another Super Bowl. I want this to happen in my lifetime.
I think the only way I am going to achieve either one of those goals is for Romo to find him a good, strong-willed woman who will understand that a guy just needs an occasional round of golf with Tiger Woods. I know I do. My game is awful, and I'm sure Nike is working on a 4-iron that will legalize steroids, which will end cancer (what?).
Just Do It!
Anyway, I have made my fantasy football list of women Romo should consider dating, a list that should get Dallas its sixth championship.
Leading off, I have Nancy Pelosi. She's tough, mean and ugly. She's everything that Simpson is not.
In the other corner, there is Bristol Palin. She's a candidate because I decided to stick with politics and politicians know what it means to be candid (it has something to do with television).
I also liked Bristol because she is more attractive than Pelosi and because she is a mother. She should know how to be stern with Romo when he soils the Cowboys' proverbial diaper.
My last political candidate was Jon McCain's daughter, but I decided not to wikipedia her name so we will move on. And I only considered her because of her father's military background.
Next up: Brooke Hogan. She's the daughter of Hulk Hogan, who made a quick cameo in the third Rocky film, which ended with the theme song: "Eye of the Tiger." We need Romo to have the eye of a tiger. Actually, we need him to have the eye of Joe Montana, but I guess a tiger is better than nothing. Plus, it would be weird to ask Montana to give Romo his eyes. I'm not even sure you can clone someone's eyes or surgically swap eyes from donor to recipient and from recipient back to donor.
Maybe Romo should donate his eyes to science and just use the force from now on.
Anyway, I also quickly considered Ashley Simpson because it would be a simple transition for Romo, the Cowboys and me. But I just remembered the college football national championship a few years back when Ashley butchered the halftime show. I think it was the year USC waxed Oklahoma, which brings us back to Carrie Underwood and American Idol.
America and football have two things in common. American football (AFC) and the Statue of Liberty, which is a statue of a woman, which is what we are searching for today. Unfortunately, that woman also has a statue of herself in France.
Ironically, Kate Gosselin is a French name! I had her picked out before I even started writing this but before I knew she knew and or had knowledge of the Statue of Liberty play (I don't really know what happens in that play either).
Is this Romo's fate? Does fate and Kate rhyme? Clearly it does but this is not a match. I have not researched Gosselin's Zodiac sign. I don't even know Tony's but I know Peyton Manning has lots of them. Either way, Gosselin has six kids and an entire camera crew to feed.
She was really just a bad idea.
Sadly, I am out of candidates who make sense. I thought about Lisa or Maggie Simpson (distant cousins of Jessica?) but neither have good hair.
I also considered Deborah Mays, LaToya Jackson, Hermione Granger, Aneta Florczyk, Demi Moore, Sporty Spice, the Pink Power Ranger, Alicia Beth Moore, Liv Tyler, and Katelyn Faber, but none of this felt right. And how could Romo manage 10 girl friends at once?
So now I really don't know what to do aside from retracing my steps. I need to make a list because lists are good.
My list: Dallas, Cowboys, Romo, Simpson, The Simpsons, Family Guy, FOX, Joe Buck, Joe Dimaggio, Mrs. Robinson, Simon and Garfunkle, Simon Says, Simon Fuller, Carrie Underwood, American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, Fort Worth, Texas, Austin, Armstrong, 4-iron...
And there it is...
Jessica Simpson minus Carrie Underwood equals Kelly Clarkson. Clarkson is from Fort Worth. That's right next to Dallas. She sang at Dallas' Thanksgiving Day game against the New York Jets in 2007, a game the Cowboys won 34-3. Obviously, she has a positive affect on the team.
She's a popular singer, and the most successful out of Underwood, Simpson and herself.
I don't know what she would look like with blonde hair but she has a direct connection to cancer. Or maybe cancer now has an indirect connection with Loe Gehrig's Disease (Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mrs. Robinson, Simon Fuller... remember?). Gehrig even considered himself the "luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
Maybe Clarkson could make Romo the luckiest man under Earth's face.
Plus, Clarkson sings a song called "A Moment Like This," which is surely about winning a Super Bowl.
Clearly, Romo and Clarkson are meant for each other. They are like peanut butter and I can't believe it's not butter. They are like Phil Jackson and Dennis Rodman.
They are like your big toe, the one next to it, and a pair of flip flops.